WOODY WOODMAN'S FINGER PALACE

A prophet organization

 

The Oldest Living Palace On The San Andreas Fault

903 Cedar St., Berkeley, CA, 94710

510-528-1023

Do not call when I am eating. Or about to.

 

 

 

REALLY GOOD INSTRUCTIONS

 

 

       The Finger Hairnet is very simple to use: just look.

      

       We have made every effort.  But more often, we have decided against that.

 

       If you cannot find an answer to a particular query, please, do we look like your mother?

 

       Good luck!

                     

              "In the wave of the future, please bring your own water bottle!"

                                                                                                     --Woody—

 

 

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Woody Woodman's Finger Palace

 XXXth WoodTennial

Presents:

Into The Maelstrom

 

October 12 to November 22, 2008

 

Feets Of Wonder!

Amazing Embellishments!

Underwater Conundrums!

Spectacles & Spectacles!

Lost & Found!!

Dismemberments Reassembled!

Memories Uncovered!

Powerful Displays Of Wizardry!

Moments Of Awe & Huh?

Mysteries Revealed!

Shadows & Disappea

 

 

       Why have these last 30 years taken so long?  In 1978, when the First Finger Palace on Earth was established at Woody Woodman's, things were a whole lot simpler: dinosaurs ruled.  

       Those were the days when to get somewhere you actually had to go.  Paper maps were employed rigorously and reused; then lost.  And most often, the place you were going to was still there when you arrived.  All our bribes were paid in cash; people who were late just left and came back another time.  The dirt clods thrown at the door were never explained.

       We will not complain; it could have been 30 beers.  We always suspected the now quaint notion of "word of mouth" was nothing more than a moron who swallowed an ox while watching a mirror.  Our credo unabashedly explicit through the jeers: get the audience out the door before they demand their money back.  That sentence is not grammatically correct, but never interfered with our collection practices.

       We are further happy to announce that many who have performed at The Palace are now dead.  This was always the plan: perform here and die (a slight but better embellishment on the theatrical adage "break a leg").  While that might be said of anyone anywhere, or those who should perform elsewhere, there is little doubt that to have died and NOT performed at Woody Woodman's Finger Palace would suggest a fatal mistake, and for the purposes of our dedicated customers, rather beside the point.  

        Set your watch to Very Mean Time and aim at any satellite still in the sky, adjusting for the weather reports, sports reports, financial and political news, pictures of pictures forwarded by some of your best friends just made, instant recipes for cardamom cheese cake (flourless), six lectures on Iranian History, a calendar of events someone like you might enjoy, or others you might like might enjoy who don't like you enjoying or might enjoy who don't like you, or just those who might enjoy not liking you like them.

       As we always say at The Palace:  Some of my best friends aren't real, or they really aren't.   

       Please come to WWFP's XXXth WoodTennial:  Into The Maelstrom and watch the new line-up fall on their swords FOR YOUR PLEASURE!

 

 

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THE ENTIRE XXXTH WOODTENNIAL SCHEDULE

 

All Performances Subject To Change Socks!!

Read That Again

 

 

 

Sunday 10/12/08  3:00 PM  This Event Free: One Day Only!!

 

The Demonstrations & Exhibitions of International Improvisers Joseph Slusky & Katie Hawkinson

 

       "These two improvisers, investigating The Music of Colors & The Color of Musics, have constructed extremely small and overly large pieces of investigations reminding some of an Aurora Borealis on skids.  Don't trust me on this."                           --Woody--

 

VERY SPECIAL FINGER EVENT (and you get to keep your money)!!

 

       ÒStop by The Palace between 3 and 6 (performances somewhere in between) and get your eyes polished twice!

 

        Meeting Katie & Joe will change your life, or at least your mind.Ó

                                    --Woody

 

 

 

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Friday 10/17/08 & Saturday 10/18/08  8:00 PM

 

Special 30-Year Reunion!!

 The Incredible EVAN PARKER & (Less Credible) GREG GOODMAN: Joined At The Lips! 

 

       "These two gentlemen have played, performed & recorded around the world for 30 years; this has not stopped them from eating together inbetween, or debating if there should be a hyphen in this sentence.

       If you are too young to remember that first (1978) great encounter, or too old to hear them now, we suggest an Improvisatory Bypass Operation, then wearing your hospital gown to this performance: it's the only way to recover!"                                                                --Woody--

 

Dear Mr. Woodman:

It has come to my attention that your venue will be serving as the location for a reunion between Charlie Parker and Benny Goodman. This is wonderful! Frankly, I wasn't aware these two ever really played together, but who cares?  I'm full of excitement over the prospect of seeing these two reed-playing experts together on the stage. Not to mention what a boon it will be for Jewish-negro relations. And in Berkeley of all places.

Now, if only Woody Shaw would sit in!

I look forward to seeing you, and if cocktails are served, please make mine Manhattan.

Thank you, 
Dave Flexingbergstein

 

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Friday 10/24/08 & Saturday 10/25/08 8:00 PM

 

Part 1:  Debra Allan Poe In The Art of Fright with Deb Gwinn

Part 2:  Liz Allbee, Trumpeteuse Extraordinaire: An Improvised Knife

 

       "Debra Allan Poe is known for pulling the curtain over the curtain, then waiting for the dark to remember where it came from. Even with a driver's license, the people who see this piece will never be the same!"

 

       "Liz Allbee has studied carefully the delicate mechanisms of the inner ear and determined scientifically that we are all standing on our heads! The brilliance of her work is not that she puts us once again on our feet, but that she gives us a new head to stand upon!"

                             --Woody--

 

 

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Friday & Saturday 10/31/08 & 11/01/08 8:00PM

*Halloween Special*

 

Never Before Seen Quite This Way:

The Unauthorized Biography of Woody Woodman

with Woody Woodman & IgorFinger

 

       "WW & IF have never been bitter---uh, better!

         IF utters words like 'portmanteau,' 'amanuensis,' and 'factotum.'  WW cannot abide that language, but likes the way those words look when spoken by passing fish.  He has always agreed that some things should be considered."

      

       "---best with chips"    

                                    --Woody--

 

*       *       *

 

Friday 11/7/08  8:00 PM 

 

Special One Night Event:

Greg Goodman (piano parts) & John Gruntfest (refingered saxophone)

 

The Greatest Exhibition & Demonstration of

John Gruntfest: Drawings & Paintings

 

       "Years ago, when these two scientists decoded the wave of waves, the entire animal community was put on notice: tapes, documents, demonstrations, and unprepared delivery systems were employed in the service of a basic need:  music for the inmates at the pet hospital. While still waiting for the Nobel Prize, there was never any doubt about the cat's meow."

                      --Woody--

 

       "John Gruntfest ate his horn when he was very very young, and now he just plays himself!"

                             --Woody--

 

       GG: "I want everyone to know that I will NOT accept a McArthur Genius Award should it be offered.  And I forbid my music to be played for 50 years every other year."

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Saturday 11/8/08  8:00 PM

 

Another Fine Mess:

Greg Goodman, objets dÕinterieur;

George Cremaschi, contrabass & cantilevered chopsticks,

& Kjell Nordeson, silent repercussions

 

       "If you see only one performance this entire year, you're pathetic.  But come to this and everything else is gravy. If you don't like gravy, how about rennetless harmonic digestions?  This is why Odysseus took the wax out of his ears!"

                                         --Woody--

 

 

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Friday 11/14/08 & Saturday 11/15/08 8:00 PM

 

Two World Premiers

Part 1: The Two Bald Chicairanians: Taking A Bath

Roham Shaikhani, Ali Dadgar, Targol Mesbah

 

 

"The wild western epic from the east of what was once west of east."

                                       --Woody--

 

 

Part 2: The Last Story of The Moon

Hiromi Vardy & Tim Perkis

 

"Tinker Bell took lessons from this woman!"

                                        --Woody--

 

"Tim sits comfortably in a chair, in the Ear of his ear, and amuses yourself."

                                       --Woody--

 

 

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Friday 11/21/08 & Saturday 11/22/08  8:00 PM

 

 

THE COMMONISTS: Adjust The PeepHole!

Witold Wolfe, IgorFinger, Vizor/Vizier

 

       "This Final Descent of The XXXth WoodTennial rips the toenails off the head of The Entire Predicament; we do not shirk your responsibilities or compromise the tweezers of our coattails: WE REVEAL EVERYTHING with a plum and clean up after ourselves for this EASY TUTORIAL on Adjustment In The Age Of Peepholism; along with the proffered pamphlets, we allow you to get out the door of practically everywhere!

       Our Principled Practitioners WW, IF, & VV, well known where they came from, prefer to remain for dinner."

                             --Woody--

 

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TICKETS: HOW TO GET IN THE PALACE

 

       OK, for those who wish to attend one or more performance in this series, we offer the following advice:

 

       With the exception of the first offering on Sunday, 10/12/08, which is free, all other performances use the formula:

 

E=2x (H W)

 Y

E=entry, H=hour, W=wage, Y=your

 

       which is not quite equationally correct, but what the hell. For those who hated their math teacher, the admission charge is twice what you make in one hour whenever you are working.

 

       There are NO RESERVED seats, UNLESS you purchase in advance a Seasoned Ticket, which is any four (4) or more performances of the WoodTennial.  In that case, you choose at least four different nights, pay your way, and you will have reserved first come seats. For this service, please call The FingerLine, at: 510-528-1023, or better, write TheFinger on the Hairnet in a bright colour below (English spelling).

       If you don't get a call back soon, your message was either garbled or just eaten.  Try again.

       If you are purchasing a simple single event ticket, you merely pay tribute (see above formula) at the door.

       We will accept checks, but if they bounce, please be very assured you will be fed to whatever is swimming in the moat, which is filled with things too large to swim. Or, if pressed for time, we will throw you into the garbage.

       How to materially get in The Palace, once you have a ticket, is hinted at below.

 

 

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WHERE WE ARE, OR AREN'T

 

 

       Woody Woodman's Finger Palace is located at 903 Cedar Street, in Berkeley.  We are a few blocks from the freeway, with best exits either University Avenue or Gilman Avenue. We are actually way too close to the freeway and wish they would move it.

       Our Fingers recline between 7th & 8th, closer to 7th, on the north side of the street.  Look for a very large redwood fence, much like a Palace should have.

       There is a waiting plaza after you come in the gate, and that is where you will be inspected and modified.  Try and show some dignity.

       The Finger Box Office opens at 7:15 PM

       Then the doors open at 7:45 PM; there will be a draft.

       When it is raining, you will have to dry yourself with towelettes BEFORE coming in; yours.

       If any of this is too confusing, please do not call us; after all, we wrote the above.

 

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       We invite you also to visit: TheBeakDoctor.com for other amusements and instruction.  There are additional Finger Relics strewn about and evidence of grave and great disasters!

 

 

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Dismemberments Reassembled Department

 

TheFinger@woodywoodmansfingerpalace.com

 

 

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Special Note

 

       Because of the Complete Collapse of The Entire System of free enterprise and way of life as we have known it for these last years, we would like to direct you to either a different solar system OR a review of what we have aforementioned:  Into The Maelstrom.  The Finger Palace is possibly the ONLY safe place to put your money or your ass.  THIS advice is free.